My first experience with a vow renewal was decades ago as a young girl when my grandparents renewed their vows after 50 years of marriage. Naturally, I thought vow renewals were only done by couples celebrating 20 or more years of marriage, very seasoned couples. I was wrong. As a wedding officiant all of my vow renewals have been with couples in their 30s who secretly eloped, never told their families, wanted the ceremony to appear as though they were getting married for the first time. I never really questioned this and never had an issue until recently and this issue is what made me decide to never do this again.
One huge red flag was identified early on during the pre-ceremony consultation with a bride, but it was immediately addressed, and I thought we had an understanding before the consultation was over. But things got worse. During my first conversation with the bride, it was established that she and her husband were married two years ago and no one in the family knew about it. Ok, not a problem. During the same conversation the bride asked me if I could create a fake marriage license for them to sign to convince their family they were actually getting legally married for the first time with me officiating. THIS was the red flag that I ignored. I explained that there is no way I could or would create a falsified marriage license. Also, in the state of Texas, the couple does not have to sign the license. For some reason the bride wanted the license signed in front of the family or she wanted to show them the signed license. After I continued to explain that her request for the fake license was not going to be possible, she said okay so I thought she understood, and we could move on. She expressed an interest in hiring me and I told her to have a conversation with her husband, reach out if they wanted to move forward, I would send the contract and the invoice for payment.
My next issue was that I could not pronounce the husband’s last name. I couldn’t believe it. I’m a former educator and I’ve seen and pronounced a lot of names. Also, the name was not an American name. During our conversation she pronounced the name a couple of times, but I could not get it. Usually when I have this problem, I just write the name phonetically and it’s not a problem but in this case it didn’t work. After our pre-ceremony consultation I continued to practice the name, but it was no use. I knew this would be a big problem, and of course there was no alternative name to use.
In some cultures, if the family name is not pronounced correctly, it is extremely offensive to the family. It basically ruins the entire ceremony in my opinion. The last thing I wanted to do was deliver a beautiful and meaningful wedding ceremony and screw it up at the end by butchering the family name.
About two weeks had passed and I had not heard from the bride, but I made the decision that I was not the best person for them. I felt they deserve a wedding officiant who can pronounce the family name correctly. They still had five months to find a wedding officiant. When I reached out to the bride to let her know she became upset and threatened to leave me a bad Google review. She said I misrepresented myself on my website because according to her I marry couples from all over the world. She obviously took it personally and totally missed my reason for declining to do the ceremony. There was no prejudice against the name, I just couldn’t pronounce it. Her reaction reminded me that she also wanted me to create the falsified marriage license. I’m not a criminal, I don’t falsify legal documents, contracts (the marriage license is a contract to show legal marriage), and I have integrity.
So, there you have it. I will no longer be doing vow renewals. They are not legal ceremonies because the couple is already married and anyone could do it, a friend, a relative, anyone. Moving forward, I want to commit my time and energy to engaged couples who align with my values. This whole ordeal left me emotionally exhausted, and I still can’t figure out how someone could get upset with me because I can’t pronounce the family name, and I decided they deserve to work with someone who can. What do you think about all of this. I would love to hear your feedback.